I saw it in her eyes after all of this time. How had I missed it there before? This picture of her howled. Perhaps I chose to ignore it out of fear. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to love me. In my dreams we were that couple. I sweep in easily and give her all she ever dreamed of. Somewhere entangled in her dark hair were all of my wishes. Each one was a cog in the wheel of plans I had envisioned for us. It was foolish to think it so simply. I always thought that I knew very little back then but now I realize that I may know even less in my current state. I imagine her with flaws so undefined that only I can root them out. I welcome them. She is imperfect in ways that can only be justified in the irrationality of love. To find her was a reconnaissance. It is not as if the planets aligned, with her it was something more spectacular. In her I find things everyone craves, but I’m not inclined to share. If I’m selfish then so be it. The way she speaks, her lexicon and all of her bright ideas, make me stumble. She defeats norms. She side steps my paper thin charm and forces a genuineness I was always lacking. Fact or fiction, she creeps into my mind. I tell her I rarely think of her as some sarcastic quip to make her laugh. She knows better. How does she always know better? I hope the supply of reasons why I ask myself this never runs dry.
Monthly Archives: October 2014
Looking back on it now, as I have always had a tendency to do in the silent moments that find me, I’m not entirely sure that I ever knew. That probably sounds like bullshit now, you know, after the fact. But I think I mean it, for the most part at least. I’m sure I meant it then too, I suppose.
The truth is that in this world we know very little. There is a minuscule amount of certainty in day to day life. The few certainties we do receive are unpredictable, like death, for instance. Death will come when it comes and there is not a damn thing we can do to stop it. Is there not some organic romance to that though? We all plod about waiting for fate to descend upon us and grant us with whatever obstacles are ahead of us. Our control dwarfs in comparison to the volatile reality of life. Every aspect is randomized by human nature.
This should be taught to children rather than fairytales. Fables of human travesty or blunder are paramount. Perhaps that is cynical. Maybe children do need happily ever after to establish and perceive hope. But I find it harmful to parade children around, filling their heads with unattainable fallacy. If they are so dear to us, if we love them so much then why not give them the greatest chance to succeed despite the unpredictable nature of mankind? Be honest with them. Let us put facts into their minds, not fiction. Do we not owe them that?
The world is but seven billion lives trying to survive, all spinning their webs with persistence. I replay my life like a movie, each image flickering upon the screen in my mind. So many things to regret, so many things to cherish. But in between those moments in which we reminisce and obsess over are the moments I believe I lived the finest. The simple moments that dictate each day, the moments I pay no mind to, like how I take my cup of coffee or which shoe I put on first. Our lives are filled with tiny decisions that mean nearly as much as the larger ones we make. Because there is very little control, very little in the way of predictability. There is only a heart that beats and lungs that breathe.